About MonteI am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been
known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient
in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees,
write award-winning operas, and manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread
water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, can pilot bicycles
up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in
twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a
small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play
bluegrass cello, was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous
documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I
enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical
appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics
worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't
perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller
number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer, I toured New Jersey
with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral
arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once
read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich
and David Copperfield in one day and still had
time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location
of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert
operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a
chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of
terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I levitate, and my bills are all paid. On weekends,
to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago, I discovered
the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four
course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize winning clams.
I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and
spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, have performed open-heart
surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
Oh yeah, I also like to build models.
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